Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
