how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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