Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
did i just pee glitter
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
