And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
