Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
