when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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