mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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