You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
