the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
