I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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