Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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