My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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