oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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