3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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