it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
