If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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