I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
