1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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