she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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