Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
