im six kinds of drunk right now
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
