You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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