I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
