I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
