Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
