for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
