I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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