So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
