I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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