someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
