I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
