Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
