where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
