dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize