the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
