I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
