Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
