Umm I'm too high to move.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
