So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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