I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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