I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
