I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
