Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Non-Jews are for practice
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
