You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
