Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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