i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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