He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
