So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
