can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
