Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
