i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
