the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
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Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.