Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night