I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
